walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
