like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize