the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
