I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
