I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
what day is it and did you see me today?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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