Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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