why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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