she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
