Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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