Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
