So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
