1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
