I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Randomize
