Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
