i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
