You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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