We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Randomize
