You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
