I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
