Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
