I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You took a bar mat shot.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
