guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
