so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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