Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
