I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
