My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
