The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Randomize
