just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize