I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
