I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
