Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
