Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Dignity is for republicans.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
