first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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