o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
you had me at cake vodka
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize