We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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