She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
