can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
