i think i have two assholes
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize