when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
you inspire me to be a worse person
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
