remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
