i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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