I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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