i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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