Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
