I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
