I CAN MOONWALK!
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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