made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
