How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
