Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
