Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
