white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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