I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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