I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
he laminated a picture of his dick.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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