Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
