My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
