Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
he was CRYING into my vagina
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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