i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
